1. “I’m not lazy, I’m a master of energy conservation.”
2. “I know the voices in my head aren’t real but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!”
3. “When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing Angry Birds with you?”
4. “My Girlfriend says I need to be more affectionate… Now I have 2 Girlfriends!”
5. “Me and my wife lived happily for 25 years and then we met…”
6. “Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.”
7. “A good friend would bail you out of jail but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, damn that was cool.”
8. “Good friends will share the umbrella. Best friends will steal it and yell: It’s awesome, now run!”
9. “Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.”
10. “Warning!!! I know KARATE and few other oriental words.”
11. “When I drink alcohol… Everyone says I’m alcoholic. But… When I drink Fanta… No one says I’m fantastic.”
12. “Virginity is not dignity, It is just lack of opportunity.”
13. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.”
14. “I love my job only when I’m on vacation.”
15. “My mother always told me: If you do not have anything nice to say, then you better say it sarcastically.”
16. “I love everyone! There are some people I love to be around, and some people I love to avoid. And then there are others I do love to just punch in the face.”
17. “They say we learn from our mistakes. So I’m making as many as possible! Soon I will be a genius.”
18. “Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.”
19. “Tom N Jerry taught me that life is boring without ENEMIES.”
20. “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it :)”
21. “Some people are just so FAKE that if you look properly at the back of their neck, you’ll find a tag saying “MADE IN CHINA” :D”
22. “I always arrive late at the office but I make it by leaving early.”
23. “Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker.”
24. “I’m pretty sure the whole ladies first thing was created by a guy just to check out @ss.”
25. “I’m that ugly I asked myself out and I said no.”
26. “They say don’t drink and drive. Well… Yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. I’m a bad@ss.”
27. “Patience is not a virtue. It’s just a waste of Time! :P”
28. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.”
29. “I hate when I’m about to HUG someone really s3xy and my face hits the mirror. :p”
30. “People say I have a dirty mind, But I say its just creative!”